you now, i've never been much of a crier
yea, i cry when i watch movies and drama and documentaries and all that
but i can't truly cry
i try to
i want to cry
i want to scream
but i can't
it's like i'm emotionally paralysed
an emotion pariah
emotion doesn't come to me easily

but there are other ways to get rid of all that pent up frustration
i hit stuff
i take a huge wooden ruler
and hit my bed
of all targets, i hit my bed
cos it won't get me in trouble
it's nearly as satisfying as screaming anyway

you know,
time... it doesn't stand still
people say time flew by so fast or
too slow
but it doesn't
it just goes on ticking
tick-tock, tick-tock
even now seconds are going by
you just have to be patient
sharp
and watch where time is taking you
or you might just be left behind

**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**+*+**

my last paper tomorrow
boy, i just can't wait
after that, i'm gonna go raid the library
and see what i can come up with
maybe i'll come across a gem
but i'm not keeping my hopes up
i've read too many books
i've no more options in the library
or at least, none in the library
i guess i have to go to emf or sth

i've been through many phases throughout my life
i remember when i went crazy over hugh jackman, brad pitt, damian lewis
( this really cute guy in band of brothers who has permanent wrinkles at the sides of his mouth from smiling) (looks like bounce up!)

and now, to present my latest celeb crush
*drumroll*
jason mraz!
yes! mr. az himself
i dunnoe
i saw geek in the pink
and i just fell in love!
hahah

what i liked about him in that video
was that i saw him without a cap for the first time!
and saw him interacting with people
and acting stupid
but cute stupid
and he smiled alot
[smiles are important to me, y'know]
and he boogied like saturday night fever
and he's just so cute!
and, putting that together with his voice
which sounds so cute,
you get my celeb crush!

hahah
anyway, he's like all the rest of the cute "slengeh"s
like adam brody, frankie muniz,
you know, that kind of breed

a totally different breed of hotties
who do not have to act cool
and are so wacky
but can still stay cute

aaahhh....
anyway, arsenal has another resident cutie
other than thierry henry, of course
[don't worry thierry, you're still no. 1!]
his name is robin van persie
he's 23
and way cuter than cristiano ronaldo
who has a thick neck
haha

i'm in the midst of mid-year exams
but as yet i have no sense of urgency to study
even now i'm supposed to be studying history
oh well
i'll start later...
way, way later...

today was the full literature paper
and it was okay! hahah
i feel so free now
not that i was laden with lit work over the weekend
i started studying only yesterday!
i'm so slack

yesterday's episode of desperate housewives
(which i watched this morning)
was so intriguing
especially when whats-his-name,
susan(whom i dislike)'s ex-husband,
defended bree
oh! the stuff of fairytales
a (maybe) handsome knight defending a defenseless damsel
against her fire-breathing bastard

anyway, i shoulda read my twelfth night book a long time ago
not that i don't read it,
but the teacher akways skips to the part that he/she deems relevant
that i missed what is now my favourite quote
ohwell

::O world, how apt the poor are to be proud. If one should be prey, how much the better to fall before the lion than the wolf.::

changed my skin.... again
but i must say, this one is quite nice
quite simple
no clutter
of course, i'm looking at it through mozilla firefox
so i have absolutely no idea how it looks like on internet explorer or netscape
oh well

i was taking the bus home yesterday
and spent the entire ride home looking at trees
i don't know why... it's just a little quirk of mine
i just look at the big sprawling trees lining the roadside
and try to find the most perfect tree for building a tree house
or just climbing or hanging out... literally

it's just for fun, you know
but you'd be surprised how many trees out there have potential
you see, the criteria for a treehouse-worthy tree
is that it's main branches are perfectly spaced from each other
and have like a 45degree angle or less

and trees for climbing
have different, distinct levels
that have just enough footholds
whereas trees for sitting on
have like three branches forming a comfortable seat
that has a base just right for a derriere

hahah
you must think i'm crazy
sounds like i've spent alot of time staring at trees
and i have
usually when i have nothing to do while my dad's driving
or when i'm in a bus

anyway
trees are not the only interesting things to look at while in a vehicle
the sky surpasses the trees in this case
cause it's always there
it can be moody
so no chance of you ever becoming tired of it
and it can be spectacularly beautiful
so you'll learn to appreciate life more

so you see,
nature isn't boring
it's not
it never was, and it never will be
you just have to know where to look

hey hey heyyy!!!
hahah
abit hyper today
i turned down a great oppurtunity to make my own perfume...
mistake?
who knows...
oh well

anyways...
i've had only___ what?__ 3 posts this year?
hahah
i was more concerned with creating my own skin
it's so much fun!!!
even though what i do is basically steal codes from other peeps
and edit alot of stuff until it becomes mine
it's not unethical
cos i don't really steal what they created
it's just that i don't know how to set up the stuff
when i have my own ideas
like this one here
before this, it was actually something about a...
umm...
well, something totally different
the point is,
i'm like the architect who just designs and knows what is needed and all that
but can't really build what he's created from scratch
get what i mean?

heheh
it's ok even if u don't
hey, did you notice this new layout?
it's cute right?
i just loveee lord sesshoumaru
he's so evil
but yet he cares for some people
like Rin!
you know, i also made skins for my sis
if u wanna see, go to www.budak-hingus.blogspot.com
notice the cute name?
i made that up for her
hahah


toodlesss...(it's not tood-less, it's toodle-ss)(harharr:]

you know,
sometimes i think that i'd be happy spending my days some place where there's nothing else but me and the sky and its elements.
oh yea, and food. and maybe some music.
nobody around to bother me, annoy me, obligate me.
no pressure; no future, no past.
just me and the present.
just me, looking at the sky and daydreaming.
just me with the clouds, the stars, or moon, depending on the time of day.

just me and my dreams.

but of course that's not possible.
unless i grow up, become rich, become a recluse in a mongolian grassland who has food automatically sent everyday.

that could happen.
but till then,
i'll have to steal little moments to look at the sky.

end of the third week of 2006
so far, i've had tons of revelations
and only one of them written down
the rest?
well, they were over-run by other new revelations
and so i forget them
until i come to a conclusion which sounds familiar
probably cos i've thought about it before

i think i have a minor form of A.D.D
why?
because i can barely pay full attention to anything
i get distracted so easily
my mind's usually flying off somewhere
and before i reach there, it takes off to somewhere else
haish

that's also one reason why i don't finish most of the work that i start
e.g. i 've learnt the first part of canon, nocturne, etude, turkish march, chopstix, largo, wedding march from a midsummer's night dream, petit chien, fur elise, gavotte and god knows a whole lot of other songs
the only song i've finished learning is piano sonata op.13 "pathetique" 2nd mov.
another proof is my guitar
i only took it up halfway
then forgot about it,
and took up keyboard

ooohhh
my messed up mind
i do enjoy day-dreaming, though
sometimes it's so enjoyable, i wish they were all true
no chance of that ever happening though
unless, of course, it had already happened before

come what may
i will love you
until my dying day

love that song.
am actually listening to it myself
*sheds a tear*

school's here, kemuning is over

i miss camp alot!!

hahaha

i loved the pasir ris site

it was so fun

like a family unoe



anyway school started like, three days ago

i feel like i've studied nothing so far

i've dropped a-math, since i failed that last test

so i now have a few free periods



like the one just now

us "dropouts" had no venue

so we stayed in class

and while mr peacock was droning on and on about graphs,

i slept

like a baby!

hahah

it was so nice having a siesta openly while the teacher was teaching



i'm a kid

i'm too young to be caught the middle of adults falling out

what am i talking about?

well, it's kind of complicated

but it's something about kemuning... teacher... rotan... don't like... racunkan tari melayu... hip hop+malay dance... rozzi... chacha... buang... osman... one big *SIGH*!



the gist of it is i mentioned something

that i didn't know i was supposed not to mention

but mentioned anyway at malay dance practice

because i didn't know

to someone who was included in the situation above

and i feel guilty

even though i wasn't told not to mention the thing

that i wasn't supposed to mention



haish

that's what it is

one big "haish"

yay!
i've gained about half of my voice back
so i can talk as much as i want
but i still can't sing...
aww...
hahah

i've learnt how to speak pig latin
it's really fun
and silly
and nobody knows wat the 'ell i'm babbling about

i know a bit of romanian too
hahah
example,'iubirea mea' means 'my love'
and um, 'si' is 'and' [ i think ]
'dragostea din tai' means 'love from the linden trees'

hahah
you've probably guessed where i got it from
"dragostea din tai"
a love song that sounds so funny
hahah

I'VE LOST MY V O I C E !!!
YES! seriously!
man, it kinda sucks
u noe me, i like to talk...

so [SYAZ]
if u wanna talk to me abt the camp
i guess u haf no choice but to tell me over ur blog, tagboard, e-mail, etc.
cos i can only afford to grunt over the phone
hahah

yay! i've passed my fifteenth birthday!
i still have no idea how to make my IC though
i read thru the instructions once
didn't understand it

just came back from my holiday in genting, port dickson and melacca last thursday
i tried so many new things

first, let's start with genting
a-ha-haaaa
that was where i acted naughtiee...
heheh
i threw "snow"balls at random people at snow world
was so much fun
although i feel a little bit guilty
all those poor people who suddenly got ice thrown at them
they looked so blur
man, i still feel guilty
hehe

hahah
and then there was the haunted house
it was so much fun!
there were only four of us - my two cousins, my sis and me
and we were so darn scared
thankfully there was another group of people
a whole big group of boys
heheh
and some were cute (of course i noticed!)

it was so scary in the haunted house
they mainly tried to shock us
and, believe me, it worked
my cousins sis and i were basically screaming our heads off in there
luckily the guys there were nice
they let us walk in the middle of the large group
they took care of us, asking occasionally if we were okay
they even didn't mind my cousins and i pulling their jackets from behind
hahah
one of them even held my youngest cousin (a young 10 yrs old)
as they walked

i can't even count how many times i fell down
once, my cuz fell on me on the stairs, then i fell on my sister
we sat there for god knows how long
the were ghosts scaring us between the railings and preventing us from going down the stairs
and as i was lying on top of my sister, i cld see the guys behind us waiting to go by

the highlight of it all, though, was when i stomped on the ghosts fingers
hahah
it felt so good
the ghost was tickling my feet while i was on my sis
i can't stand tickling on my feet
so i did the only thing that i could do while immobile
i stomped on it
needless to say, that particular ghost left my feet alone
hahah

another new thing i tried was archery
i tried only once lah
but i nearly achieved a bull's eye
hahah
i was so happy
my first and only time...
hmm... maybe i should join an archery club...
hahah
wishful thinking

i tried go karting for the second time in my life
in the exact same place i tried it the first time
didn't hit any tyres though
i came in first!
heheh
they even had a podium and trophy
so fun

unfortunately
there were some negative parts
my cousins and i were stalked in genting
twice!
two different groups of guys!
ohhh man...
so scary
i ran away
no, not literally "ran"
just walked as fast as i could away from them
one of my cousins was unfortunate enough to get caught in the middle of the two groups
twice!
i went back there to pull her out
but she couldn't get out
haish
so scary

[the meaning of the next two paragraphs are for me to know and for you the ask me about]
what this trip has taught me
is that i'm too young and innocent
i'm being left behind by time passing by
and people growing up
people change
i don't

i have my suspicions
of some things i was deliberately being blind to
i don't want to find out that i'm right
but it's just too glaringly obvious

peace

p.s. i made the layout myself
hee hee

I DYED MY HAIR!!!

hahaha...
bet you didn't see that coming, huh?
i did dye my hair, but only because of my million and one grey hairs
and the colour is so dark, it looks black!
so it's okay

and i got a haircut...

haiz...
i still haven't done a single homework...
i have... what? three and a half weeks left?
i'm getting by...

going genting this sunday... at 3 am in the morning...
hee hee! can't wait!
and...OooOH! my brother's coming?!
hahah... first time since we went to batam when i was in like, pri. 5...

my brother is so lucky (despite getting 6th place in sea games final 110m hurdles.)
he got his prom clothes for FREE! a friend gave it to him...
and so many other friends belanja him alot...
like the other day, his friend belanja him go watch movie (granted, his friend did win $10,000 in e sea games triathlon)

anyway, my parents are thinking of moving...
hmm... maybe it's time...

my nose is getting itchier and itchier by the second...
gotta go!

i have to say, i love the hospital
i mean, of course it's not fun when you're there for a really serious reason
but if you're there for a small reason compared to all the other things you go to the hospital for,
it's really quite fun

it was like a mini-holiday for me
missing school for two days,
and staying there for two nights more than i had originally planned

most things i need when i go on a holiday were there;
there was a kopitiam, and a really posh cafeteria on the eighth storey (where all the doctors eat)
and there was a book store(albeit a medical one) and a specs store
and two 7- elevens (one selling veggies and stuff)
and there was delifrance and polar

and the highlight of it all were the two stalls selling bags and one selling jewellery
it was almost like a shopping centre!

and the hospital itself!
it was so like a hotel
my father's room was a private one (seeing that it was a momentous occasion since my immediate family members are rarely admitted into the hospital)
and there was the air-condition
and even room-service!
you gotta love this place!

the nurses are great
they didn't scold me when they caught me playing in the wheelchair
or on my father's bed (the bed can move up and down on its own!)

and there was even cable tv
i think i'm gonna miss espn the most
(by the way, i watched the match between the perth wildcats and the brisbane bullets, and i gotta admit, i kinda haf a tiny crush on the captain of the wildcats)(hee hee)

haiz
now it's back to school
gotta face the music
wish me luck
hehehe

fin

yesterday i had a meltdown...
over what? over the ironing board!!
i was ironing the curtains when i ironed my finger
then i burst out in tears, stalked out, and vowed never to iron again (impossible, though)
i think that was the third or more time this year i ironed myself
(accidentally, of course)
i guess i'm just cursed
haix...
pity my (future) husband...
nobody's gonna iron his clothes for him...haha

anyway, tomorrow is raya!!!
yeay!!! finally i can eat in broad daylight!!!
hahaha
but i am cutting down on food

my house looks only a quarter ready
and i've got no kueh raya so far
none at all
zilch; nada, zero, kosong...
no matter
i guess that means other people will have to diet too
hahah:)

i've just finished clearing up my room
i'm tired
and it's only about 3 hours and 10 mins to buka
yeeaaaa!!!!

okay, i guess that's it
and, oh yeah,
HAPPY B-DAY TIPAH!!!

fin:)

three days of utter boredom
man
feels like so long since exams have ended
and for three days i've done nothing but lie around the house doing nothing all day except when people send food to the house
then i get up
take the food, thank them, and give them some of mine
haha

anyway, i'm in such a muddle
for days i've been thinking about the colour to paint my room
i've made more than a dozen examples of my room (done very simply using paint)
and still i've got nothing
haish

u noe, i even had time to make an almost exact picture of my hall
all using lines and dots and curves
and extra magnification on parts which i can't really see that well

haish
i'm thinking about my literature homework
i haven't handed it in
although i've completed it
and i'm really worried

and guess what?
i have to go for the champion thingie
with people i probably don't know
i think i was the only one to stand up to take the consent form
but the only reason for that was because i had to go study bio and needed to get outta there fast!
i hafta look for an excuse not to go
i can say i'm working
which would be true later in the month
i've had people ordering cakes from me
yay
becos i need money$

hahah
anyway, one tree hill is gonna start
gotta go
kinda miss school (imagine that!)
haha

bbye
feeena

i was really upset when i found out that racism still exists in singapore
i mean, how can these people-- living in such a big world full of different things and cultures and religions-- still be so narrow-minded?
what?
they think that narrow-mindedness is cool?
that showing the world how utterly ignorant and blind and deaf you are makes you famous and popular?

they're dead wrong
it made them notorious
and got them arrested

i was really incensed
it's so dangerous
for someone who lives in singapore
to have such thoughts of racism
singapore is supposed to be a peaceful
diverse country where so much emphasis is placed on being a multi-cultural society that can work and live together

is the kid ( yes, a 17-year old kid! ) blind?
how can he not see how precious this harmony that we have is?
how can he not see that there's no such thing as a bad race
or an inferior race?
that individuals are what they make of themselves?
generalising people is such a childish thing to do
doesn't he know that?

and now he's arrested
i do think, though,
that this poor kid should see a psychologist
he is a psycho
and such evil thoughts can't be very healthy for that kid
what will he be when he grows up?
who would want to hire a person who could disrupt the peace at a workplace?
someone should make him see that what he's doing is wrong
not just legally
but also morally

if not, he'll harbour a resentment for the people who put him in jail
and loathe whatever race he was attacking even more

haish...
i'm feeling drained
now all i feel for those people is pity
i pity them because their thinking made them blind to how beautiful this world is
how different doesn't mean bad
how much can be learnt from other races

poor, ignorant people
may God have mercy on their souls

finland__*

the hole i shat in

*groans*
so far i've had a shitty week
yup
shitted everyday
thank god not all of it was in school
but man
were those moments
so uncontrollable

hahah
well, first week of school after a short vacation break
i think i did fine
i did the homework that the teachers would check
and the one's that teachers don't...
well, we'll just leave it at that, won't we?
hahah

anyway
tomorrow we're going on a field trip
to the botanical gardens, to be exact
it'll be fun i think
and i'm gonna bring food
(when am i ever without food?)

ah... food...
another matter altogether
i can't stop eating
dunnoe why
it all started during the holidays
and continued through the school week
luckily puasa coming
if not i'd be about 20 pounds fatter next year
and that doesn't bode well for me, would it?

especially since i am satisfied with the way i am now
overly satisfied, if you must know
hahah
that's why i'm voluptuous
hahah
because of over satisfaction

i'd say i'm more dilligent this year
i'm actually starting to study
and doing a-maths!
although, i've been skipping all the hw for add-maths
through the year
so i guess i'm just making up for all that i missed
hahah

hopefully
my goals will all be achieved
by the time hari raya starts
(and i think you know what goal that is)

hahah
toots for now~

feeen-land__*

it's the weekend before school re-opens!!
OMG!!
hahah

such a short holiday
feels like just a weekend to me
and it's been one week already
hmm...
i wonder what i've been doing...

i sleep late everyday
and wake up late everyday
and then i do nothing except
maybe eat, tv and doing stuff on the comp

well, at least i've done a little homework
no matter how small it is
hey! i've improved!
that's better than june's record of only english homework done!
hahah

oh, hell
i haven't done nor handed in my history essay
and that just sucks
that means i have got to do it tonight
not tomorrow
wanna know why?

hahah
tomorrow is library day!
doing my homework at the library
where nothing can disturb or distract me
since i can't use the internet there
(thus explains the impossibility of me doing history there)
(i need the internet to search for info)

anyway
hari raya shopping has started early this year
can't believe that i've only bought baju kebaya
3 pairs, can you believe!

anyway
toots~ for now

long time no gaze

business; schmusiness

haiz
i'm lousy at baking
you know the meringues
[the one that got alot of mixed reactions? yea... that one...]
well, i *think* syahir ordered 100 pieces
i wasn't sure whether he was serious or not
still, i made the 100 [ and more]
i slaved in the kitchen
alas, most of them were butt-ugly

i actually made two batches
one sucked
because i did that without adult supervision (my mum was working)
so i didn't know how to do the piping
but they tasted great
but the appearance.... haiyah... disappointing...
so i made the second batch
piping was worse
you wanna know why?
because i did the piping again
hahah
my mum helped
(don't tell anyone: hers didn't turn out so great, either. hehe)

don't know why, they were sticky
so i rebaked
but by the time i got round to re-baking,
i was late for school

what could i do?
i just got ready,
took a piece of bread and chicken patty
and brisk-walked to the mrt station
man
i think i broke the world record walking there
in 5 minutes flat
hahah

then i realized; no ez-link card!
so i bought the standard ticket
which explains why i missed the 6.55 train
so i waited for 7.00 train
met sheng yu
he's an expert on almost being late
so i entrusted my scared-of-scolding life into his hands
we walked to school
[which was a good thing, considering that i had no ez-link card]
WE MADE IT
thank you, sheng yu
for saving my ass
i wouldn't have made it without you

well, i didn't see syahir all day
so i couldn't ask about the meringue
in case anybody wanna pass the message
syahir; your meringues are with me
[hope you don't mind ugly meringue]
[you'll like the taste, though]

anyway, today's "moral-of-the-day" is:
never try to cheat without enough practice
hahah
let me explain
while walking to school, sheng yu told me
that you can take the mrt without paying
all you have to do is place your handon the tapping place
immediately after someone else has tapped their card so
then you'll go through
and i got a confirmation from atikah
so i tried
it was a complete and utter flop
hahah
you know what happened?
i borrowed tipah's wallet
and immediately after she tapped
i tapped
walked through
and promptly got stuck between the doors
hahah
how embarassing
luckily, though, i had a cover-up
i pretended that i didn't know that the wallet didn't have a card
hahah
we laughed as hard as rocks all the way up to the platform after that
haiz...
so embarassing -.-"
hahah

anyways
i just gotta say
quantum mechanics (the non-mathematical part, at least)
is interesting
i love it!
hahah

<3 feeen