The mouth is a mirror - we must watch what we say.

I find myself lacking in so many areas of my personal development. Like still not being brave enough to stand up for myself, and especially for others.

But when I think about the person I'm becoming today, compared to whoever I was at any point of time in my past, I'm much happier with who I am now. Sure, I feel frustrated and hopeless about so many things going on today, but I'd rather know and feel the things I do now, than return to the blissfully ignorant person I was before. Change is good, when you're striving for something better. I believe that you can't go too wrong trying to be a kinder and more compassionate person, even though you're bound to make mistakes along the way.

I'd like to blog more about something that's making me feel hopeless and angry, but I gots shit to accomplish today!

I'll just leave it here, on this one thought: You're still a bigot if you stand only on the side of the minorities and the oppressed that you can relate to.

Money grows on trees - but not for everyone.

I came across this post on facebook, by a guy whose cat fell 5 stories almost 24 hours ago. More than half a day after the fall, with the cat still bloody and hurt, he started seeking help via a cat-centric facebook group for the monetary costs of bringing his cat to the vet.

Before you (or future me, forgetful that I am) begin judging him/her now, the context is that he had to be at work all day, and doesn't have enough money to pay for a cab-ride to the vets, much less pay the vet to treat his cat. And apparently all vets (that he was able to contact) do not allow payment via instalments.

A lot of the comments on his fb post expressed concern for the cat and urged him to bring him to the vet first, and worry about the costs later. A pretty sizeable group derided him for waiting so long, and some even accused him of scamming people for money, because puh-leeez, who would wait more than 12 hours to get their cat to the vet, and who honestly wouldn't have at least $200 in their bank account for emergencies, or at least friends/family members who could lend them money?

And that's where I feel troubled. Because such comments are so oblivious and privileged that I feel sad for them and for the state of so many people trying to survive on this earth. Because it IS possible that just a couple of hundred bucks is too much for someone to cough up. And it IS possible that their circle of friends are unwilling/unable to help them with such an amount of money. Not everyone is lucky enough to have such useful connections and such healthy finances. That's why I feel sad for them. And I feel just as sad for those people who are able to remain blissfully unaware that such hardships exist for people outside of their social circle. Because it means that they are unable to empathise with the difficulties in life that people face. They look deride and insult and scold and look down on these people because they just can't get it. They're shallow and emotionally stunted on this end.

And I - I have been so fortunate my entire life, due to my sheer luck of the draw. Though I am not rich by any means, I am part of those lucky ones born to parents who were able to love and strive to provide for their child/children's every necessity.

Even when I was virtually jobless for several months, had less than $30 in my only bank account, and had to think twice and thrice for every item and every meal I had to buy, money was not a crushing worry for me. Because I always knew that I had a safety net to fall back on, that the family and acquaintances that surround me are able to help me if ever I'm in an urgent and desperate situation.

But the widening of my social circle the past couple of years have also widened my horizons and increased my self-awareness. Hardships exist, more so for some people than for others. And, to draw my line of thought back to the fb post I saw, I can understand that the cat owners might be too financially stretched to spare $25 for a cab, and at least $250 for the vet. Sometimes, even if you're a cat lover and you're trying your hardest to find a way to treat your cat, your circumstances just don't allow for you to do what everyone else expects you to do. Maybe if you skip work to bring your cat to the vet, you'll get fired from the job you desperately need. Maybe you're on such bad terms with your family that they won't give you any help even though you've asked them. Maybe you only have $20 in your bank account, and you're worried that the cab will cost you $2 more than you can afford. Maybe the vets that you can bring your cat to, after you finally finish working the job you desperately need, charge exorbitant fees for their 24hour service, and they won't accept payment via instalments even though you really just want your cat to be okay. When you're struggling to survive day to day and money is the biggest worry in your life, maybe you just don't have the capacity and capability to save your beloved cat's life, no matter how much you treasure and love it.

All I'm saying is, everyone's facing hardships in their own life. But there are some people whose hardships are too much for you to even imagine. So we should all try to open our eyes and hearts more in order to truly feel for others, and not just judge them based on the ease we experience in our own lives.

Today! Today was the big day! And -oh!- how glorious it was to finally be freed from this jail cell that was made up of the elastics that tied my jaws together.

I could hardly sleep from all the anticipation surrounding this great un-tying. Instead of waking up at 9.15 as set by my alarm clock, I woke up around 8. Before I knew it, it was finally 11 (actually 10 minutes past that), I was in the dentist's chair, and a few snips of the scissors later, I was free! No more elastics forcibly clenching my jaw tight, no more bite guard crowding my tongue in! No more! My mouth felt so empty all of a sudden, but the feeling of fullness was not one that I would miss. Ever. The dentist also removed the stitches on my cheeks, which didn't hurt as much as I had expected it to.

And then I was off into the world, free as a bird.

My first thought post-elastics was of food. It had also been my last thought before the jailbreak. And also my only thought this past week.

I wanted something fried.

And so my first solid bit of food in more than a week came in the form of fish and chips from the hospital kopitiam. I reckon I had been a bit too ambitious, since I'm supposed to be on a soft-chew diet for a couple more weeks. But what the heck. Imma aim high and see how far I get.

Quite unsusprisingly, it wasn't very far. Less than halfway through eating the fish, I surrendered. It wasn't that I was full. Far from it. My jaws just couldn't open wide enough to admit more than a quarter of a fork of fish, and it had to be a very flat piece of fish. The lower jaw ached each time it had to open to its maximum cm-and-a-half. And it wasn't used to being in this new position, so it had to labour to chew that very small piece of fish. Eventually, I just got too tired of eating the fish. So I tasked my dad with finishing up my fish and chips, and got myself a cuppa frozen yoghurt instead. MUCH more manageable (although I still had to take very small spoonfuls).

Afterwards when I met Hanif, I managed to surprise myself with how hungry I was. We had agreed to share the mentaiko omu rice at Liang Court because I felt like I probably wouldn't be able to eat even half of it. But, lo and behold, I put away about three quarters of it. The egg was soft enough and the rice small enough for me take small bites quite easily. And I even felt hungry for more. MOAR FOOD! It was as if the dragon that had been starved for a week was suddenly released from it's cage into a forest teeming with abundance of food (which was exactly how I felt at that time).

And so, I went in search of more food, and came up with a cheesecake and a frappe from mcdonalds. Finally. Satiation. Bliss. Fulfilment. Even if the jaw hurts, Fina can and will eat. No need to stick to a porridge and soup diet. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow! Oh!

 I dream of eating sushi (unagi and salmon, specifically). I dream of normal bowel movements (no more than twice a day, and certainly not the 15 that has been happening). I dream of going out without people staring at my wrapped-up skull. I dream of enunciating again. I dream of no more crushed up bitter pills!

In 12 hours I shall awake to make my way to KTPH.

TOMORROW!!!

Can I just remark how nice Khoo Teck Phuat Hospital is? And it's not just the beauty on their outside, either (although I would confidently state the KTPH has the nicest hospital grounds in Singapore). I've just received a call from one of their nurses asking how I was doing. And before my surgery, another nurse called to confirm that I was coming and to answer any questions I might have. How nice of them (and their system)!

On another note... tomorrow is unbanding day!! The day I get the dreaded elastics off my teeth and the suffocating compression band off my head. YESSSAAA!!

I've taken to walking around the house, chanting "Tuesday and Wednesday, Tuesday and Wednesday".

Today is the fifth day post-op, and I am going crazy at home! I can't open my mouth to speak (although I continue to speak regardless), I can't stick out my tongue to taste even the tiniest morsel of solid food, I can't open my mouth to swallow pills whole and thus have to resort to grinding my pills into the most undelicious cocktail using the pestle and mortar. And I'm going mad with boredom at home!

Yesterday, I managed to leave the house for about half an hour or so to meet Hanif downstairs. Sweet boy gave me a Pooh Bear bouquet (that has been thusly dubbed Pooh-lat, to correlate with my boo-latness). But it was short-lived meeting because he was having a cold and I could hardly go anywhere anyway.

There's only Tuesday and Wednesday standing in between me, and my next appointment with the doctor. I cannot wait to get my teeth free from these elastics! I somehow have myself convinced that I'll be able to talk and chew as close to normal as possible once my teeth are free. Maybe I'm just too optimistic, but I surely don't see myself as the kind to just stick to a soft diet without at least trying to eat all my favorite foods.

Something else that's bothering me, is the fact that something is up with my bowel movements. It feels like diarrhea, cos it happens every hour or so, and there's always some gassy stuff happening in there somewhere. Feels like everything between my ribs and my thighs is a giant thundercloud that rumbles and heaves with the weight of this abominable liquid diet I've been on. Because my number one suspect right now is the diet I've been forced to follow, that makes me ingest some sort of powdered milk at least thrice a day even though I'm lactose-intolerant :(

Urghh.

Anyway...

Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday and Wednesday...

I have no idea how long it's been since I've blogged, whether it was published or not.

But I'm returning to pen a few thoughts due to some major happenings in my life that seem too significant to just totally ignore.

1) After about a year and a half of slacking off (although there were part time jobs in between), I got a job! Of course there have been some issues I've had to deal with, like feeling like a servant, feeling like I'm not getting much done, like I'm a cog in a huge wheel, being so bad at saving money despite initially lofty plans (lol). Just when I'm settling in I find out that the senior executive and possibly my boss are leaving (??!!). So I think more wrenches will be thrown in my way.

2) Hanif and I just celebrated out one year anniversary of officially being a couple, exactly two weeks ago. This past year (plus) has been the happiest and completest I've ever been with anyone. I would never trade any of it. And I hope we find a way to make it work forevaaaa.

3) Just had my jaw surgery yesterday! It was almost 3 years in the making, and finally it's done. I think I've been strong - more excited than scared pre-surgery, most definitely. A nurse has commented that I'm surprisingly alert early on after the surgery, and my surgeon said I'm the most talkative patient she's had, even with my jaws wired shut. I know I should have been resting more, but I'm a prideful patient that just has to show everyone that she's having the time of her life haha. Right now, about 36 hours post-surgery, I'm finding that the worst part is not the pain or swelling or lack of proper enunciationg. It's the fact that I can't chewwww T-T. Ughhh one week to go on a purely liquid diet. I HOPE I heal even faster after they take off the elastics, so I can start eating again. I was chewing on steaks two days after my wisdom teeth surgery (all four teeth pulled out!). So maybe I can start off on eggs and really soft maggi right after? I hope so.

That's all I wanna update for now~

thenicestplaceontheinter.net

I always start tearing up whenever I visit the nicestplaceontheinter.net. I just get overwhelmed by the feeling of warmth and love that these strangers give me when they offer (virtual) hugs to other strangers around the world who need comfort. And these nice people who are unselfishly giving their hugs away could themselves be in need of comfort from others. A lovely cycle of giving and receiving. It's so nice to be connected to other people around the world in a positive, non-competitive, almost pure context. Nobody's expecting anything in return; they just want to offer something priceless to those who may need it. And a comforting hug is most definitely something that can mean the world to someone, and yet still cost nothing. ...The nice music helps too, I suppose lol.


tl;dr - Bahhh it's just me rambling aimlessly about this website that makes me feel better :)

Sad

Is there something on my face that says: "This person is not worth your time. Please don't bother replying to her"? Two people so far that have left me hanging - an old friend and a new one. And that can't be just a coincidence, can it? Somewhere along the way i must have become a poor friend, an annoyance in their lives, an unworthy person. I feel so sad right now :( I do try to be a good friend to whoever I meet. But of course I realize one true failing that I've found hard to overcome. I am lousy, so so lousy, at keeping in contact with people. Mostly because I'm not sure how to do it without being awkward, or seeming like a creep, or being an annoyance. I don't ever want to be a burden on people, or ever be considered a disturbance. That's why I find it difficult to b the first person to say, hey what's up, i miss you. In case they take my words the wrong way and think I'm overstepping my bounds as a friend, and reject me. And I don't ever ever want to be rejected, either directly or by way of being ignored by others. But there I go. Two rejections already in such a short space of time. There must be something wrong with me. Something must have happened to me to make me so loathsome. Well, it's possible that I may have always been loathsome to others, but to people who were once considered friends? :( But how do I change myself back to the person I was? How do I turn back time and regain these people's friendships? :( I don't know what I need to change... :((

Telling.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write whatever I wanted on my blog. To hell with how people might judge me - this blog was mine, and if I wanted to rant, or whine, about family or school or life or whatever, it was my choice. (Or maybe I'm just viewing my past through rose-tinted lenses.)

Now I've become more guarded. I read my friends' tweets or blog posts or tumblr text posts, and sometimes they write about problems they are facing with themselves or with others. Or even just what they're thinking. And I envy them. Because whenever I start to type something on my Twitter or my blog that could come off less than humourous or less than happy, I chicken out before I can press "submit".

What am I afraid of? I suppose I've always been afraid of being judged negatively by others. Maybe someone might think I'm just seeking attention by making my problems public knowledge. Or someone might think my problems and ideas are silly and therefore I must be a silly and superficial and naive person. Or someone might think that my words are targeted at them, and they won't like me anymore. So my tweets and blog posts have often been cheerful, or play-sad, usually about nothing really serious.  Or if I really feel the need to rant, it's usually very cryptic. I can't bring myself to be straight-forward. I just can't trust myself or others enough to be completely open about my thoughts.

It's a rare thing for me to share a piece of myself with someone. A lot of the times I feel like I'm play-acting (to a larger and more conscious extent than I think Mead meant) because I have to hide and adapt myself to fit in with others.

How nice would it be if I were able to be wholly myself? There are so many things I feel that I can't tell others. Maybe I'm not ready to tell it yet, or maybe I feel they're not ready to hear it. But if I were brave enough to tell it, and I hope that one day I am, perhaps it could help someone somewhere who's experiencing similar things, or help others understand who I am, and how and why.

Little steps. I'll try taking little steps.
But some things I think can never be told to anyone.

How nice would it be if I could be open about my self and my experiences? No more hiding, no more pretenses. It may even be helpful to someone.

But it's not a possibility right now.

I should not have let my GPA slip so much this past year. Is it still possible to bring it up to a First Class Honours?

Whyyyyy does any feeling of ambition have to kick in only now? Hahahahahha.

UPDATE: Okay, looks like it's impossible to bring it up to First Class. :( Okay then.

Lunch?

I want to break into a country-wide grin and squeal really loud, but as always there's something holding me back and telling me not to get too excited, that I'll just disappoint myself with high hopes and unrealistic expectations. It's a fine balance between wanting to be happy and believing that you're worth it, and trying not to make a fool of yourself for believing the impossible.

So what happens now?

First you feel sad about one thing, and then you feel sad about another. And now you just feel like one huge fucking ball of sadness.

Let loose in Korea.

Small update: I've been in South Korea for 12 days now. It's an amazing fact in itself because 1) I never thought I'd be back here so soon after finishing my exchange stint last year, 2) it was/is so good to be here with family, and 3) to be here on holiday for this long is unprecedented, to me (Perth and Melbourne don't count because I stayed for free the entire time).

YAYYYYYYY I'M HERE!!!!!!

Haha okay, I just needed to get that little explosion of jubilation out.

On the 6th of June, my parents, sister and I boarded our flight to Seoul at 9.35am, almost right after my father finished his night shift at work. We arrived around 9.10 that night, after a brief transit at HKIA, and with the next morning thus began our adventures in Korea.

We had two full days all to ourselves, during which we visited Gyeongbokgung (not for too long; my parents got tired of the architecture by the time we got to the Queen's private chambers), Namdaemun market (which my mum LOVED, and visited again by herself on the second day), Banpo Bridge Rainbow Musical Fountain, Myeongdong, went on the DMZ tour, caught a Nanta performance, and of course, had 3 out of 4 meals at Itaewon. Zipping around here and there all made possible by taking taxis, and not public transport, of course.

Then on the 9th, a Saturday, we met our tour group members at Gimpo Airport, and off we went to Jeju Island! Places we got to explore included a park filled with stone sculptures made by just one man (not Hallim Park, not the Stone Park), Mysterious Road, the seaside, Seongeup Folk Village, Seongsan Ilchulbong Peak, Seojikoji (where they filmed the drama 'All In'), horseriding (only the young'uns, sadly; I was too chicken to go for it without my family members), Cheonjiyeon waterfall, the Teddy Bear Museum (LOADS of fun!), Yeongdu-am (Dragon Head) rock, and various fields of flowers and (fake) fruits for photo-ops.

Monday the 11th saw all of us taking a flight back to Seoul, where another family of 6 joined our tour group, before being carted off to Everland where I had wagon-loads of fun from taking the wooden roller coaster there, the T-Express, with my mum (brave girl!), and the whole family going on the safari bus tour. We then went to the Yeoju Premium Outlets (Nad's most anticipated attraction), before travelling for hourssss to reach a traditional hanok village homestay to stay the night. 

When we arrived around 10 that night, filming for the Korean drama Gakshital (Bridal Mask) was still going on, so I was a little embarrassed to find crew staring at us for making so much noise when walking through the village with our roller luggage bags. But no, we did not see the actors anywhere; they were somewhere further in than our houses. And they'd left by the time we had breakfast the next morning. Too bad. But I truly enjoyed sleeping in a hanok village; the toilet was modern, the room was cute, the floor we slept on was heated, and the different architecture of houses of different ranks were interesting. I'd repeat the experience in a heartbeat.

We got to take a train from a popular seaside train station, Jeongdongjin station, to Gangneung station, where we re-boarded our tour bus to Mount Seorak. The view from its peak was an enchanting sight to behold, especially after the thrill of climbing to the top with my dad, on nothing but our hands and common shoes, without the safety of railings and paved stone steps. Felt good to be at the top, and it felt even better (marginally) to be there first out of our entire tour group (cheap victory? I'll still take it)

On the day we returned to Seoul city, we got to visit Nami Island first, and almost everybody in the group rented a bicycle to see the sights. My family got two single bikes for my mum and me, and a double for my dad and my sister, who hasn't fully mastered the two-wheeled mode of transportation. So, so fun. I miss cycling. Next was a stop at an amethyst factory, and then at Dongdaemun, where my parents had the most fun at the Pyeonghwa wholesale building, instead of Doota where we were dropped off. 

And of course, along the way, besides the halal Indian food we sampled here and there, we got to try a lot of traditional Korean food, like the pollack soup, and grilled mackerel.

On the morning of the 14th, at 7.20 am, my parents left for the airport to head back home. My dad had an afternoon shift to catch the next day. And my tour group left the hotel at 9am to continue their tour. My sister and I were finally, truly, on our own in Korea.

Truth be told, the two of us missed our parents and tour group a lot the first (two?) day/s. We'd had so much fun together as a group, and it was like a buffer against our own foreigness in a foreign land, having these other Malay people around us all the time. When Nad and I were on our own, we had to face locals without parent-buffers, and lacked the resources to skip maximum-exposure transport mediums like the subway.

I say this as if I've never been to Korea, never lived here for 4 and 1/2 months. But somehow it feels different this time, because I'm here without Aishah, Pat, Gerry, and Anne. This time, I'm the one in the driver's seat, and it's been a year since I've touched the pedal. 

Nad and I haven't done much since we were left to our own devices. Our first day, we just did laundry at the guesthouse before having a Mr Pizza dinner. And so far, in the past 5 days, we've only gone to Insa-dong, Myeongdong, a baseball game (strange experience, that one!); and Toseon and PIFF Square in Busan. Maybe we're just not motivated to leave the comforts of the guesthouse, or maybe we've been tired out by 7 straight days of activity.

But I think the cause is more likely to be me. When I was in Busan on the exchange program, I went out to town and did things as infrequently as I go to Orchard Road in Singapore. Because I lived there. So my days were not spent in endless business. They were spent interspersed with school, with mundane stuff like laundry and dormitory meals, and just hanging around Hadan at Starbucks, at Vongole, at Ediya, at E-Mart. I was here as a student that lived here, not as a tourist.

And now that I'm here in the capacity of a tourist, I'm out of sorts as to what to do. 

Today, our first morning in Busan, we'd been too comfortable in our private double room to leave early. And then the first thing we did when left at 2.30pm was hardly touristy at all - I brought Nad to Toseong-yeok, where I used to have my classes, to have lunch at the small restaurant I used to frequent between classes. We had Cheese Ramyeon and Cheese Ra-pokki (a mix of ddeokbokki and ramyeon) and saw briefly the exterior of the school buildings. 

When we went to PIFF Square for Ho-ddeok (YUMMY ricecake patty filled with sugar and nuts), it was raining, so it, plainly, sucked. It sucked for us so much that we took the subway back to Haeundae to seek refuge in our room. Nampo-dong didn't seem as fabulous with rain dampening the day, as it usually does. So we both didn't have fun, and I have failed in my role as tour guide.

Now Nad is sleeping soundly; it's already hit 8pm on our first full day in Busan. With rain being the forecast for tomorrow as well, I'm feeling reluctant to carry out my original plan of going to the Pusandae area for another try at shopping. So what will I do tomorrow as a tourist in Busan?

Maybe I'll just try to keep it indoors, like Centum City and S-Funz which are nearby the guesthouse. Or maybe we'll go local, and stay indoors tomorrow, like so many people seemed to do today, what with the streets being so empty today. Either way, it will probably be deemed another failure in touristy terms, but in the local context, I hope it'll seem at least a little enjoyable.