Today! Today was the big day! And -oh!- how glorious it was to finally be freed from this jail cell that was made up of the elastics that tied my jaws together.

I could hardly sleep from all the anticipation surrounding this great un-tying. Instead of waking up at 9.15 as set by my alarm clock, I woke up around 8. Before I knew it, it was finally 11 (actually 10 minutes past that), I was in the dentist's chair, and a few snips of the scissors later, I was free! No more elastics forcibly clenching my jaw tight, no more bite guard crowding my tongue in! No more! My mouth felt so empty all of a sudden, but the feeling of fullness was not one that I would miss. Ever. The dentist also removed the stitches on my cheeks, which didn't hurt as much as I had expected it to.

And then I was off into the world, free as a bird.

My first thought post-elastics was of food. It had also been my last thought before the jailbreak. And also my only thought this past week.

I wanted something fried.

And so my first solid bit of food in more than a week came in the form of fish and chips from the hospital kopitiam. I reckon I had been a bit too ambitious, since I'm supposed to be on a soft-chew diet for a couple more weeks. But what the heck. Imma aim high and see how far I get.

Quite unsusprisingly, it wasn't very far. Less than halfway through eating the fish, I surrendered. It wasn't that I was full. Far from it. My jaws just couldn't open wide enough to admit more than a quarter of a fork of fish, and it had to be a very flat piece of fish. The lower jaw ached each time it had to open to its maximum cm-and-a-half. And it wasn't used to being in this new position, so it had to labour to chew that very small piece of fish. Eventually, I just got too tired of eating the fish. So I tasked my dad with finishing up my fish and chips, and got myself a cuppa frozen yoghurt instead. MUCH more manageable (although I still had to take very small spoonfuls).

Afterwards when I met Hanif, I managed to surprise myself with how hungry I was. We had agreed to share the mentaiko omu rice at Liang Court because I felt like I probably wouldn't be able to eat even half of it. But, lo and behold, I put away about three quarters of it. The egg was soft enough and the rice small enough for me take small bites quite easily. And I even felt hungry for more. MOAR FOOD! It was as if the dragon that had been starved for a week was suddenly released from it's cage into a forest teeming with abundance of food (which was exactly how I felt at that time).

And so, I went in search of more food, and came up with a cheesecake and a frappe from mcdonalds. Finally. Satiation. Bliss. Fulfilment. Even if the jaw hurts, Fina can and will eat. No need to stick to a porridge and soup diet. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow! Oh!

 I dream of eating sushi (unagi and salmon, specifically). I dream of normal bowel movements (no more than twice a day, and certainly not the 15 that has been happening). I dream of going out without people staring at my wrapped-up skull. I dream of enunciating again. I dream of no more crushed up bitter pills!

In 12 hours I shall awake to make my way to KTPH.

TOMORROW!!!

Can I just remark how nice Khoo Teck Phuat Hospital is? And it's not just the beauty on their outside, either (although I would confidently state the KTPH has the nicest hospital grounds in Singapore). I've just received a call from one of their nurses asking how I was doing. And before my surgery, another nurse called to confirm that I was coming and to answer any questions I might have. How nice of them (and their system)!

On another note... tomorrow is unbanding day!! The day I get the dreaded elastics off my teeth and the suffocating compression band off my head. YESSSAAA!!

I've taken to walking around the house, chanting "Tuesday and Wednesday, Tuesday and Wednesday".

Today is the fifth day post-op, and I am going crazy at home! I can't open my mouth to speak (although I continue to speak regardless), I can't stick out my tongue to taste even the tiniest morsel of solid food, I can't open my mouth to swallow pills whole and thus have to resort to grinding my pills into the most undelicious cocktail using the pestle and mortar. And I'm going mad with boredom at home!

Yesterday, I managed to leave the house for about half an hour or so to meet Hanif downstairs. Sweet boy gave me a Pooh Bear bouquet (that has been thusly dubbed Pooh-lat, to correlate with my boo-latness). But it was short-lived meeting because he was having a cold and I could hardly go anywhere anyway.

There's only Tuesday and Wednesday standing in between me, and my next appointment with the doctor. I cannot wait to get my teeth free from these elastics! I somehow have myself convinced that I'll be able to talk and chew as close to normal as possible once my teeth are free. Maybe I'm just too optimistic, but I surely don't see myself as the kind to just stick to a soft diet without at least trying to eat all my favorite foods.

Something else that's bothering me, is the fact that something is up with my bowel movements. It feels like diarrhea, cos it happens every hour or so, and there's always some gassy stuff happening in there somewhere. Feels like everything between my ribs and my thighs is a giant thundercloud that rumbles and heaves with the weight of this abominable liquid diet I've been on. Because my number one suspect right now is the diet I've been forced to follow, that makes me ingest some sort of powdered milk at least thrice a day even though I'm lactose-intolerant :(

Urghh.

Anyway...

Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday and Wednesday...

I have no idea how long it's been since I've blogged, whether it was published or not.

But I'm returning to pen a few thoughts due to some major happenings in my life that seem too significant to just totally ignore.

1) After about a year and a half of slacking off (although there were part time jobs in between), I got a job! Of course there have been some issues I've had to deal with, like feeling like a servant, feeling like I'm not getting much done, like I'm a cog in a huge wheel, being so bad at saving money despite initially lofty plans (lol). Just when I'm settling in I find out that the senior executive and possibly my boss are leaving (??!!). So I think more wrenches will be thrown in my way.

2) Hanif and I just celebrated out one year anniversary of officially being a couple, exactly two weeks ago. This past year (plus) has been the happiest and completest I've ever been with anyone. I would never trade any of it. And I hope we find a way to make it work forevaaaa.

3) Just had my jaw surgery yesterday! It was almost 3 years in the making, and finally it's done. I think I've been strong - more excited than scared pre-surgery, most definitely. A nurse has commented that I'm surprisingly alert early on after the surgery, and my surgeon said I'm the most talkative patient she's had, even with my jaws wired shut. I know I should have been resting more, but I'm a prideful patient that just has to show everyone that she's having the time of her life haha. Right now, about 36 hours post-surgery, I'm finding that the worst part is not the pain or swelling or lack of proper enunciationg. It's the fact that I can't chewwww T-T. Ughhh one week to go on a purely liquid diet. I HOPE I heal even faster after they take off the elastics, so I can start eating again. I was chewing on steaks two days after my wisdom teeth surgery (all four teeth pulled out!). So maybe I can start off on eggs and really soft maggi right after? I hope so.

That's all I wanna update for now~

thenicestplaceontheinter.net

I always start tearing up whenever I visit the nicestplaceontheinter.net. I just get overwhelmed by the feeling of warmth and love that these strangers give me when they offer (virtual) hugs to other strangers around the world who need comfort. And these nice people who are unselfishly giving their hugs away could themselves be in need of comfort from others. A lovely cycle of giving and receiving. It's so nice to be connected to other people around the world in a positive, non-competitive, almost pure context. Nobody's expecting anything in return; they just want to offer something priceless to those who may need it. And a comforting hug is most definitely something that can mean the world to someone, and yet still cost nothing. ...The nice music helps too, I suppose lol.


tl;dr - Bahhh it's just me rambling aimlessly about this website that makes me feel better :)

Sad

Is there something on my face that says: "This person is not worth your time. Please don't bother replying to her"? Two people so far that have left me hanging - an old friend and a new one. And that can't be just a coincidence, can it? Somewhere along the way i must have become a poor friend, an annoyance in their lives, an unworthy person. I feel so sad right now :( I do try to be a good friend to whoever I meet. But of course I realize one true failing that I've found hard to overcome. I am lousy, so so lousy, at keeping in contact with people. Mostly because I'm not sure how to do it without being awkward, or seeming like a creep, or being an annoyance. I don't ever want to be a burden on people, or ever be considered a disturbance. That's why I find it difficult to b the first person to say, hey what's up, i miss you. In case they take my words the wrong way and think I'm overstepping my bounds as a friend, and reject me. And I don't ever ever want to be rejected, either directly or by way of being ignored by others. But there I go. Two rejections already in such a short space of time. There must be something wrong with me. Something must have happened to me to make me so loathsome. Well, it's possible that I may have always been loathsome to others, but to people who were once considered friends? :( But how do I change myself back to the person I was? How do I turn back time and regain these people's friendships? :( I don't know what I need to change... :((

Telling.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write whatever I wanted on my blog. To hell with how people might judge me - this blog was mine, and if I wanted to rant, or whine, about family or school or life or whatever, it was my choice. (Or maybe I'm just viewing my past through rose-tinted lenses.)

Now I've become more guarded. I read my friends' tweets or blog posts or tumblr text posts, and sometimes they write about problems they are facing with themselves or with others. Or even just what they're thinking. And I envy them. Because whenever I start to type something on my Twitter or my blog that could come off less than humourous or less than happy, I chicken out before I can press "submit".

What am I afraid of? I suppose I've always been afraid of being judged negatively by others. Maybe someone might think I'm just seeking attention by making my problems public knowledge. Or someone might think my problems and ideas are silly and therefore I must be a silly and superficial and naive person. Or someone might think that my words are targeted at them, and they won't like me anymore. So my tweets and blog posts have often been cheerful, or play-sad, usually about nothing really serious.  Or if I really feel the need to rant, it's usually very cryptic. I can't bring myself to be straight-forward. I just can't trust myself or others enough to be completely open about my thoughts.

It's a rare thing for me to share a piece of myself with someone. A lot of the times I feel like I'm play-acting (to a larger and more conscious extent than I think Mead meant) because I have to hide and adapt myself to fit in with others.

How nice would it be if I were able to be wholly myself? There are so many things I feel that I can't tell others. Maybe I'm not ready to tell it yet, or maybe I feel they're not ready to hear it. But if I were brave enough to tell it, and I hope that one day I am, perhaps it could help someone somewhere who's experiencing similar things, or help others understand who I am, and how and why.

Little steps. I'll try taking little steps.
But some things I think can never be told to anyone.

How nice would it be if I could be open about my self and my experiences? No more hiding, no more pretenses. It may even be helpful to someone.

But it's not a possibility right now.

I should not have let my GPA slip so much this past year. Is it still possible to bring it up to a First Class Honours?

Whyyyyy does any feeling of ambition have to kick in only now? Hahahahahha.

UPDATE: Okay, looks like it's impossible to bring it up to First Class. :( Okay then.

Lunch?

I want to break into a country-wide grin and squeal really loud, but as always there's something holding me back and telling me not to get too excited, that I'll just disappoint myself with high hopes and unrealistic expectations. It's a fine balance between wanting to be happy and believing that you're worth it, and trying not to make a fool of yourself for believing the impossible.

So what happens now?

First you feel sad about one thing, and then you feel sad about another. And now you just feel like one huge fucking ball of sadness.

Let loose in Korea.

Small update: I've been in South Korea for 12 days now. It's an amazing fact in itself because 1) I never thought I'd be back here so soon after finishing my exchange stint last year, 2) it was/is so good to be here with family, and 3) to be here on holiday for this long is unprecedented, to me (Perth and Melbourne don't count because I stayed for free the entire time).

YAYYYYYYY I'M HERE!!!!!!

Haha okay, I just needed to get that little explosion of jubilation out.

On the 6th of June, my parents, sister and I boarded our flight to Seoul at 9.35am, almost right after my father finished his night shift at work. We arrived around 9.10 that night, after a brief transit at HKIA, and with the next morning thus began our adventures in Korea.

We had two full days all to ourselves, during which we visited Gyeongbokgung (not for too long; my parents got tired of the architecture by the time we got to the Queen's private chambers), Namdaemun market (which my mum LOVED, and visited again by herself on the second day), Banpo Bridge Rainbow Musical Fountain, Myeongdong, went on the DMZ tour, caught a Nanta performance, and of course, had 3 out of 4 meals at Itaewon. Zipping around here and there all made possible by taking taxis, and not public transport, of course.

Then on the 9th, a Saturday, we met our tour group members at Gimpo Airport, and off we went to Jeju Island! Places we got to explore included a park filled with stone sculptures made by just one man (not Hallim Park, not the Stone Park), Mysterious Road, the seaside, Seongeup Folk Village, Seongsan Ilchulbong Peak, Seojikoji (where they filmed the drama 'All In'), horseriding (only the young'uns, sadly; I was too chicken to go for it without my family members), Cheonjiyeon waterfall, the Teddy Bear Museum (LOADS of fun!), Yeongdu-am (Dragon Head) rock, and various fields of flowers and (fake) fruits for photo-ops.

Monday the 11th saw all of us taking a flight back to Seoul, where another family of 6 joined our tour group, before being carted off to Everland where I had wagon-loads of fun from taking the wooden roller coaster there, the T-Express, with my mum (brave girl!), and the whole family going on the safari bus tour. We then went to the Yeoju Premium Outlets (Nad's most anticipated attraction), before travelling for hourssss to reach a traditional hanok village homestay to stay the night. 

When we arrived around 10 that night, filming for the Korean drama Gakshital (Bridal Mask) was still going on, so I was a little embarrassed to find crew staring at us for making so much noise when walking through the village with our roller luggage bags. But no, we did not see the actors anywhere; they were somewhere further in than our houses. And they'd left by the time we had breakfast the next morning. Too bad. But I truly enjoyed sleeping in a hanok village; the toilet was modern, the room was cute, the floor we slept on was heated, and the different architecture of houses of different ranks were interesting. I'd repeat the experience in a heartbeat.

We got to take a train from a popular seaside train station, Jeongdongjin station, to Gangneung station, where we re-boarded our tour bus to Mount Seorak. The view from its peak was an enchanting sight to behold, especially after the thrill of climbing to the top with my dad, on nothing but our hands and common shoes, without the safety of railings and paved stone steps. Felt good to be at the top, and it felt even better (marginally) to be there first out of our entire tour group (cheap victory? I'll still take it)

On the day we returned to Seoul city, we got to visit Nami Island first, and almost everybody in the group rented a bicycle to see the sights. My family got two single bikes for my mum and me, and a double for my dad and my sister, who hasn't fully mastered the two-wheeled mode of transportation. So, so fun. I miss cycling. Next was a stop at an amethyst factory, and then at Dongdaemun, where my parents had the most fun at the Pyeonghwa wholesale building, instead of Doota where we were dropped off. 

And of course, along the way, besides the halal Indian food we sampled here and there, we got to try a lot of traditional Korean food, like the pollack soup, and grilled mackerel.

On the morning of the 14th, at 7.20 am, my parents left for the airport to head back home. My dad had an afternoon shift to catch the next day. And my tour group left the hotel at 9am to continue their tour. My sister and I were finally, truly, on our own in Korea.

Truth be told, the two of us missed our parents and tour group a lot the first (two?) day/s. We'd had so much fun together as a group, and it was like a buffer against our own foreigness in a foreign land, having these other Malay people around us all the time. When Nad and I were on our own, we had to face locals without parent-buffers, and lacked the resources to skip maximum-exposure transport mediums like the subway.

I say this as if I've never been to Korea, never lived here for 4 and 1/2 months. But somehow it feels different this time, because I'm here without Aishah, Pat, Gerry, and Anne. This time, I'm the one in the driver's seat, and it's been a year since I've touched the pedal. 

Nad and I haven't done much since we were left to our own devices. Our first day, we just did laundry at the guesthouse before having a Mr Pizza dinner. And so far, in the past 5 days, we've only gone to Insa-dong, Myeongdong, a baseball game (strange experience, that one!); and Toseon and PIFF Square in Busan. Maybe we're just not motivated to leave the comforts of the guesthouse, or maybe we've been tired out by 7 straight days of activity.

But I think the cause is more likely to be me. When I was in Busan on the exchange program, I went out to town and did things as infrequently as I go to Orchard Road in Singapore. Because I lived there. So my days were not spent in endless business. They were spent interspersed with school, with mundane stuff like laundry and dormitory meals, and just hanging around Hadan at Starbucks, at Vongole, at Ediya, at E-Mart. I was here as a student that lived here, not as a tourist.

And now that I'm here in the capacity of a tourist, I'm out of sorts as to what to do. 

Today, our first morning in Busan, we'd been too comfortable in our private double room to leave early. And then the first thing we did when left at 2.30pm was hardly touristy at all - I brought Nad to Toseong-yeok, where I used to have my classes, to have lunch at the small restaurant I used to frequent between classes. We had Cheese Ramyeon and Cheese Ra-pokki (a mix of ddeokbokki and ramyeon) and saw briefly the exterior of the school buildings. 

When we went to PIFF Square for Ho-ddeok (YUMMY ricecake patty filled with sugar and nuts), it was raining, so it, plainly, sucked. It sucked for us so much that we took the subway back to Haeundae to seek refuge in our room. Nampo-dong didn't seem as fabulous with rain dampening the day, as it usually does. So we both didn't have fun, and I have failed in my role as tour guide.

Now Nad is sleeping soundly; it's already hit 8pm on our first full day in Busan. With rain being the forecast for tomorrow as well, I'm feeling reluctant to carry out my original plan of going to the Pusandae area for another try at shopping. So what will I do tomorrow as a tourist in Busan?

Maybe I'll just try to keep it indoors, like Centum City and S-Funz which are nearby the guesthouse. Or maybe we'll go local, and stay indoors tomorrow, like so many people seemed to do today, what with the streets being so empty today. Either way, it will probably be deemed another failure in touristy terms, but in the local context, I hope it'll seem at least a little enjoyable.

Graduation project starts next semester, and we have to write a proposal for it as our final assignment for HS401 this semester. Yet, I don't have a clear idea about what I want to research next sem. I've had a few ideas bouncing around in this skull of mine, but I don't know how feasible they are, nor have I been yet bothered enough to check. Plus, there's always the issue of certain topics being a little too sensitive for me to study :\

How scary is it to think that in a year and a few months from now, I'll have finished with school? And then find a job I must, and with that carry more responsibility than I have ever been accustomed. Pay all those pesky loans, show up for work everyday, act a certain appropriate way, perform well under pressure, answer to strangers who are not there to teach me but to judge me. How scary is that?

Helloooooooo... Is anybody home...?

This blog has been in slumber for almost a year now, that it feels absolutely strange to be typing in complete sentences, line after line, of only my own words. I've been glued to tumblr ever since the couple of days of procrastinating on Bill's damned report last year, and on tumblr I usually copy and paste quotes, or just add a few words as commentary on an article, or as a caption to a few pictures. So blogging... not quite used to it.

Year 3 sem 2 is beginning tomorrow, officially. I've only one class registered, so I'll have to begin hunting for classes. I don't want to face the reality of it, so instead, I'll look back on some of the fun I've had this past vacation period.

As soon as exams ended, I did the usual - slacking, reading, going out, shopping...

Amalina came back before exams even began, so I'd begun going out to the movies and shopping even two days before my first paper. And we watched Breaking Dawn Part I the day of my last paper. Siti arrived on the 2nd of December, and we went out some more! Nenek and their other grandma always complain that we monopolise their time while their in Singapore, but we can't help it! There's always so much to do, so much to see, so many plans that we come up with that have to be carried out for the fun-ness of it. We went out for shopping, for meals, to cycle, to Johor Baru, to Universal Studios Singapore, to fly kites, to crash polytechnic open houses, etc... And they sleep over a lot, in order to make it easier to do all these activities with us, or just to sleep over. And all this = FUN!!

Thursday, the fifth of January - USS - FINALLY I WENT TO USS! AND IT WAS FRIGGIN' AWESOME! And I can't believe my mum took Battlestar Galactica's Cylon with us! She felt dizzy after that but kudos to her (and Nadhirah) for taking it. We took lots of pictures (it felt like a lot to me, because I don't usually like being the subject of photos), and we rode lots of rides. We took the Transformers ride thrice - twice in a row during the last 20 minutes before the park closed. Transformers would be my numero uno at USS, followed by the Revenge of the Mummy ride, and then Battlestar Galactica's Human, because these rides were just the perfect amount of fun and scary. I always knew I like thrill rides, but now I feel primed for the ultimate leap - who wants to go sky diving with me? :D

On Friday and Saturday, I crashed several polytechnic open houses with my cousins Diyanah, Sabrina, Amalina and Siti, and my sister, mostly to keppo around and get freebies. I won't say anything bad about any of the open houses, but I have to say that NP was my favourite. Ngee Ann's was soooo fun, mainly because of the guide we got, and the interactive stuff during the School of Film and Media Studies tour, and all the other booths around. All of us were given the goodie bags, even though only two of us were O-level students. We even got free doughnuts! And we only had to scream at a camera "NP is Xtraordinary because of:" to get free teeshirts. Awesome freebies must mean awesome school to attend hahaha.

And talking about those NP teeshirts... on Sunday, all of us decided to wear that same teeshirt to go fly kites at Marina Barrage (...I was inspired by the kite-flying picnic I had there with Syaz and Diana earlier on Monday heheh ...). It rained, but it didn't rain on our parade!

Ahh... I hate that school begins soon. My mind is so out of practice. Last semester's grades sucked. And I don't want them to suck no more :(

I miss my best friend so much.

i miss gerry :(

and we're leaving for soul in an hour! :D

What a tough journey it's been so far. I never thought one could experience heartache repeatedly in such a small window of time and people. But this experience has been so valuable that I'd still go through it again. <3

We're only as miserable as we let ourselves become. And I'd rather not waste my life on that crap feeling (:

(By the way, I've been busy. Looking at pretty pictures on Deviantart.com. And this artist, http://nabhan.deviantart.com/ creates so many pictures of things I want to doodle but am not creative or talented enough to do.)

Fina has a CN Blue Adventure

Right after their set finished, and the lights came on.

I know twitter has been like a mini-blog, with updates almost everyday on mundane things i do and think about. But some things you just can't express fully on twitter. Like two days spent bathing in the awesome light of CN Blue!

Friday, the 20th of August 2010 (must never forget this day), there was a fan-sign event at City Square Mall. Seeing their faces in real life for the first time just blew my mind. They were ALL unbelievably pretty. Not in a gay way.

Since we (Ai, Mel and Ai's friend Dorothea) got CAT 2 tickets, we got an autograph from a random member. I didn't really have a definite must-have favourite for CN Blue, but Jungshin was the one I knew the least about, so I was a little disappointed that I got him, but he looked so nice and friendly that my disappointment with getting him soon turned into disappointment that our interaction went too smoothly and didn't last longer. I walked onto the stage and passed by all the other gleaming faces of the CN Blue members to get to Jungshin, but when I tried to show him a little sign that basically said "Jungshin-ah, jia-you" in Korean, some stupid ass security person beside me pushed it downwards so he couldn't read it. It's not like I was telling Jungshin to write my name or something >:(. When he looked up to give me the poster, (and this all happened in a space of barely 2 seconds) I took it while shouting "KAMSAHAMNIDA" in his face, because everyone around us was so loud. I probably scared the poor boy to death. Oh why why why couldn't I have just smiled sweetly and made longer eye contact before getting off the stage? I was almost the last person for him to sign for!

Aishah got a really bad cramp in her leg/ foot while we were just a few people away from getting our autographs, and could barely walk, so the staff had to support her while she limped on stage to Jonghyun. We went out by the side of the stage instead of getting back into the queue so that Aishah could rest and check on her legs, and by some divine coincidence it was where CN Blue would eventually exit the stage. Jonghyun and his BB Cream whiteness passed us by twice when he went to the loo (Lo! he is human after all!), and then the entire band passed us when they'd finished with the event. Yonghwa blew kisses and waved in the i-the-king-graciously-accept-your-love way, the rest I kinda missed because my camera was jamming :/ Dorothea got her hand clasped by Jonghyun I think! Large, sweaty hands? Haha

My Jungshin-signed poster.

Jungshin greeting fans.

Minhyuk in all his loveliness.

Jonghyun looking up at the fans gathered on the 2nd and 3rd levels.

Minhyuk with an ah-jumma fan, while an over-zealous security guard interferes.

Jonghyun on his way to the toilet.

His Majesty Jung Yonghwa thanking us for our presence.

Here you can see Mel doing a high 10 Jonghyun (she just wanted to show him her palms on which was written "Himnae", or jiayou), before Aishah is helped by a staff member to the table:

The next morning we met early, to hang around the van that would follow CN Blue and take us to the UCC for the showcase. It was my first time ever doing something like this (in fact my first time ever seeing Korean stars in real life) so I didn't know what to expect. We ran to the hotel entrance once the heads up had been given (nearly 2 hours after we'd arrived; it's all a waiting game). I got only one picture of Yonghwa and Jonghyun, because digital cameras snap really slowly haha. And as soon as their van left we ran to our van to CHASE! We were really lucky to have been driving right next to their van before their curtains closed too much. I only saw Jungshin's outline before he closed the curtain, but we saw Minhyuk shyly give us a backhanded wave (and we know it's only to us since we were the only ones who could see!).

When we arrived at the UCC, we gathered around their van and could see them exit clearly. By this time I'd learned from my mistakes: Whenever they're leaving or arriving, videos are always better than pictures. And it's on YT now!

We spent the rest of the time (between 10.30 and 3) hanging out in the toilet, where we could hear their soundchecks through a speaker connected to the main hall. Nobody else had cottoned on to this fact, so we were alone in the toilet most of the time. Except when people had to use the toilet, in which case we tried to talk over the soundchecks to distract the interlopers.

The show was... simply indescribable.

Yonghwa was an incredible showman, since his style and movements, which always appears over the top on TV music shows, translates well onto the live stage. He made jokes, he got our spirits high, he sang so well it should put many idols out there to shame, and he played his guitar with just the right amount of swagger and cockiness. He even spoke English with that same kind of swagger. But during the question and answer sessions he was personable and playful - his fanservice was unsurpassable. He seemed to understand almost exactly what it took to get us laughing or screaming in approval.

The good thing about sitting right smack in the middle is that you always think he's looking at you when he's speaking or singing.

(There's an obvious difference in the photo quality between the first and second day. The difference between my cheap camera and my brother's camera.)

Jonghyun looked shy, almost coy, like he didn't look at us as directly as Yonghwa did, but slid a glance every so often. His skills on the electric guitar got everyone screaming for more (heehee), and his deeper voice was steady and controlled and beautiful. When he speaks, though, his voice is soft and... doughy? Haha can't find the word to describe it, but it was very attractive. And yes, his slathered-on BB Creamed skin shone so luminously among his other members on stage that he kinda reminded me of a vampire. Non-human. The same shade as his white shirt haha.

Cheeky-looking Yonghwa knows how to get girls' hearts beating faster.

Jungshin was cute, and smiley, and shy looking. He doesn't seem like a natural showmanm but it was nice to see him play around on stage with Yonghwa while they were playing their songs. He teased us a little during the introduction part by not saying anything until fans were all shouting his name. Not much else I can really say about him, because my eyes were always wandering to either Yonghwa the magnetic showman (sounds so funny lol) or...

I think this was where Yonghwa said that the bad part to being famous was having to eat prettily. Minhyuk concurs.

...Minhyuk, who was sitting at the drums right behind Yonghwa. Fans sitting right in the middle, like Aishah, could barely see Minhyuk because of the microphone placements. But because I was slightly off-centre, I could see Minhyuk playing his drums. He looked so cute playing his drums, because his hair flipped to the beat and he was always mouthing the lyrics to the songs at the same time. He couldn't really look up to stare into the audience like Yonghwa could, but even if he could, I still think he'd seem so adorably shy and lovely. Yup, LOVELY is the perfect way to describe him. He turns away to drink his water, he sits with the most amount of propriety among the boys, his skin was baby smooth and glowing, and he smiles so prettily and cutely you just want to squish him up and take him home. The camera really doesn't do him justice, because he looks so unbelievably beautiful in real life, even if "beautiful" may seem a strange choice of words. Did I mention his hands looked so delicate and smooth when he waved at us in the van? Some lucky girl chosen in a lucky draw we didn't even know existed got to win his drumsticks. *dies*

And thus ended an incredible KPop adventure, my first encounter with stars and stalking and showcases and signatures. It was fun because of the company I had with me, but I don't think I'll be doing too much stalking after this. Maybe only waiting in the venue carpark to get a look, and that'd be it. It costs money I'm running out of. I'm not a natural at it, and I don't really feel comfortable chasing people. I never even called out their names once throughout the two days, except in the concert hall. Seems like I need to be in the dark, with nobody paying attention to me to be able to let loose haha. Sorry to all the people out there I may have annoyed by my fangirling about Minhyuk and screaming during the showcase. I thought myself too uptight to scream, but I couldn't help myself haha.

And next month, Jay's fanmeet!

P.S. songs I remember them playing: Let's Go Crazy, Love Revolution (in English), Love Light, Now or Never (in English), LOVE, I'm A Loner. Jonghyun strummed and sang a few lines of Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 while waiting for Minhyuk's earpiece to be fixed. I know I forgot one song, but it was the one song I'd never heard before.

My blog posts nowadays rarely narrate things that I've done. I used to be able to check up on the date I did certain things by noting the date of my posts, but the past few posts will be useless.

So, here it goes!

Last Saturday and Sunday I was shopkeeper. I got bothered by a creepy weirdo, but he went away when I told him I was married (har-de-har).

My grandma fell down and hit her head on Sunday morning. She had to get stitches, but my strong nenek's doing well =) Her house (as well as my auntie's house next door to hers) is being renovated, to expand the house and create a doorway between the houses, which is part of the cause of her fall. So the hall's pretty cluttered and dusty. But yay to a bigger house!

On Monday night, my mum, sister and I celebrated Nisfu Syaaban at Darul Takrim, which is a home for the aged. Good food, prayers, sermon and... more good food!

Tuesday... Wednesday... Thursday... the days melt and meld into each other in a montage of NCIS and Criminal Minds episodes, and housework. Oh, and let's not forget product pricing.

Helped mama out at the shop on Friday (yesterday). While taking care of the main bookstore during Friday prayer time, disaster of all disasters took place - the creepy weirdo from the week before passed by the shop, saw me inside, and made a beeline into the shop. When he was just about to start on the repertoire of questions that he slimeballs at every girl he sees, beginning with a "what's your name", I gave him the same answer: "YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW". Same as last week, he immediately turned and left. Weird, desperate, pathetic, creepy thing! I couldn't stop shuddering with leftover feelings of revulsion for awhile after that encounter. According to my cousin, he lives in her neighbourhood, and has been known to chase anything without a penis. Literally CHASE. Cases in point: 1) following my cousin on the mrt from Kembangan all the way to Dhoby Ghaut, including train transfers, just to ask for her number 2) chasing my cousin's neighbour, such that she had to run into the lift to get away. Like, WHUUTT?! And he wears the exact same dusty-looking red teeshirt the THREE times I've seen him. Weirdo, period.

Now, before I faint from the nausea of remembering those encounters, we'd better move on. I was one of the hundred-odd people who tried in vain to pre-book CN Blue CAT 1 tickets on Thursday night. This morning I'll be trying my luck again, in two hours. I'm so scared! I couldn't sleep peacefully all night; tossed and turned till about 4.30, when I realised that time passed by more slowly by trying to sleep, so I woke up to fill my time with more interesting images than that of the bedroom's dark ceiling. So here I am, wasting time by typing another blogpost. I actually had a nightmare about the ticket booking. Dreamt that I was just about to select the number of tickets I wanted to order when the number of available tickets just suddenly dwindled to nothing. And I was left staring despondently at the screen.

Hopefully it won't happen. I know my odds aren't great. Trying to buy four out of 36 tickets left, when several hundred people will be trying to buy it at the same time. But I've still got hope. And fear that I'll muddle it up. But mostly hope.

pleasepleaseplease....