thenicestplaceontheinter.net

I always start tearing up whenever I visit the nicestplaceontheinter.net. I just get overwhelmed by the feeling of warmth and love that these strangers give me when they offer (virtual) hugs to other strangers around the world who need comfort. And these nice people who are unselfishly giving their hugs away could themselves be in need of comfort from others. A lovely cycle of giving and receiving. It's so nice to be connected to other people around the world in a positive, non-competitive, almost pure context. Nobody's expecting anything in return; they just want to offer something priceless to those who may need it. And a comforting hug is most definitely something that can mean the world to someone, and yet still cost nothing. ...The nice music helps too, I suppose lol.


tl;dr - Bahhh it's just me rambling aimlessly about this website that makes me feel better :)

Sad

Is there something on my face that says: "This person is not worth your time. Please don't bother replying to her"? Two people so far that have left me hanging - an old friend and a new one. And that can't be just a coincidence, can it? Somewhere along the way i must have become a poor friend, an annoyance in their lives, an unworthy person. I feel so sad right now :( I do try to be a good friend to whoever I meet. But of course I realize one true failing that I've found hard to overcome. I am lousy, so so lousy, at keeping in contact with people. Mostly because I'm not sure how to do it without being awkward, or seeming like a creep, or being an annoyance. I don't ever want to be a burden on people, or ever be considered a disturbance. That's why I find it difficult to b the first person to say, hey what's up, i miss you. In case they take my words the wrong way and think I'm overstepping my bounds as a friend, and reject me. And I don't ever ever want to be rejected, either directly or by way of being ignored by others. But there I go. Two rejections already in such a short space of time. There must be something wrong with me. Something must have happened to me to make me so loathsome. Well, it's possible that I may have always been loathsome to others, but to people who were once considered friends? :( But how do I change myself back to the person I was? How do I turn back time and regain these people's friendships? :( I don't know what I need to change... :((

Telling.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write whatever I wanted on my blog. To hell with how people might judge me - this blog was mine, and if I wanted to rant, or whine, about family or school or life or whatever, it was my choice. (Or maybe I'm just viewing my past through rose-tinted lenses.)

Now I've become more guarded. I read my friends' tweets or blog posts or tumblr text posts, and sometimes they write about problems they are facing with themselves or with others. Or even just what they're thinking. And I envy them. Because whenever I start to type something on my Twitter or my blog that could come off less than humourous or less than happy, I chicken out before I can press "submit".

What am I afraid of? I suppose I've always been afraid of being judged negatively by others. Maybe someone might think I'm just seeking attention by making my problems public knowledge. Or someone might think my problems and ideas are silly and therefore I must be a silly and superficial and naive person. Or someone might think that my words are targeted at them, and they won't like me anymore. So my tweets and blog posts have often been cheerful, or play-sad, usually about nothing really serious.  Or if I really feel the need to rant, it's usually very cryptic. I can't bring myself to be straight-forward. I just can't trust myself or others enough to be completely open about my thoughts.

It's a rare thing for me to share a piece of myself with someone. A lot of the times I feel like I'm play-acting (to a larger and more conscious extent than I think Mead meant) because I have to hide and adapt myself to fit in with others.

How nice would it be if I were able to be wholly myself? There are so many things I feel that I can't tell others. Maybe I'm not ready to tell it yet, or maybe I feel they're not ready to hear it. But if I were brave enough to tell it, and I hope that one day I am, perhaps it could help someone somewhere who's experiencing similar things, or help others understand who I am, and how and why.

Little steps. I'll try taking little steps.
But some things I think can never be told to anyone.