Telling.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write whatever I wanted on my blog. To hell with how people might judge me - this blog was mine, and if I wanted to rant, or whine, about family or school or life or whatever, it was my choice. (Or maybe I'm just viewing my past through rose-tinted lenses.)

Now I've become more guarded. I read my friends' tweets or blog posts or tumblr text posts, and sometimes they write about problems they are facing with themselves or with others. Or even just what they're thinking. And I envy them. Because whenever I start to type something on my Twitter or my blog that could come off less than humourous or less than happy, I chicken out before I can press "submit".

What am I afraid of? I suppose I've always been afraid of being judged negatively by others. Maybe someone might think I'm just seeking attention by making my problems public knowledge. Or someone might think my problems and ideas are silly and therefore I must be a silly and superficial and naive person. Or someone might think that my words are targeted at them, and they won't like me anymore. So my tweets and blog posts have often been cheerful, or play-sad, usually about nothing really serious.  Or if I really feel the need to rant, it's usually very cryptic. I can't bring myself to be straight-forward. I just can't trust myself or others enough to be completely open about my thoughts.

It's a rare thing for me to share a piece of myself with someone. A lot of the times I feel like I'm play-acting (to a larger and more conscious extent than I think Mead meant) because I have to hide and adapt myself to fit in with others.

How nice would it be if I were able to be wholly myself? There are so many things I feel that I can't tell others. Maybe I'm not ready to tell it yet, or maybe I feel they're not ready to hear it. But if I were brave enough to tell it, and I hope that one day I am, perhaps it could help someone somewhere who's experiencing similar things, or help others understand who I am, and how and why.

Little steps. I'll try taking little steps.
But some things I think can never be told to anyone.