Boy am I happy to be back home!!! I haven't done a thing since Tuesday, and it feels good. I managed to take another picture for the 2PM forum thing yesterday, just before the deadline. And I took it... In front of Mustafa Centre!! Haha people were staring, but I can grow pretty thick skin when I want to.

Wow, never knew the picture'd be this big when I linked it straight from my photobucket...

oh wells

I always knew my cat had a raspy voice, but only now do I realise that cats lose their meows when they get older. Aww... But my cat can still let out a few good ones when he's really hungry for attention. And he's lost weight too, which is strange since there's still always food in his bowl. Aigo...

It's so hazy right now... looked like we were in Cameron Highlands or something haha. See the view? It was so hard to see where the button was on Thomas (my laptop) for me to click, but picture taken = accomplished mission.

Will start on some work late tonight... if I feel like it. There's Star Golden Bell and Ghost Hunters to be watched. Oh, and Singapore Idol. Wee!!! [EDIT] NO more Ghost Hunters... I'm so disappointed...

fina

I screwed over my midterm for COM 203... Sighing, but that won't help either. So now I shall concentrate on HS 101. If not, my life's over.

Recess week is next week, but I'm not feeling any less pressured since there're projects and homework and all that annoying little things you need to do to survive uni. I want to stay home the whole of next week, but I have bleeding Boggle and Scrabble practice on Wednesday. Can I just skip it? I really want to stay home because I'm feeling all homesick for my room and TV again. And now that we can eat in daylight again, home's looking all the more attractive.

Oh yea, Happy Hari Raya everyone! I missed Hari Raya last year due to A levels, so this year I decided to go out with my family on Sunday and Monday, even though I had an unfinished presentation and homework, and tests coming. How fun. Came back to my hostel at 12m.n Tuesday morning, and started studying after a 20 minute nap. Slept at 4.45am, woke up at 7.45am, and went for lectures and the whole shizz. Felt so much like JC again. Cramming - is there any other way?

Gonna cram for HS 101 tonight and tomorrow night. But somehow doing readings isn't working for me. =( I should just go back to JC...

fina

Oh Yeah, By The Way.

Okay, I promise not to be emo in this post. No mention of you-know-who and you-know-what at all (and I don't mean Lord Volderm- I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named).

I spent an entire day in hostel trying to do readings and finish homework. I had five items on my to-do list. I only managed to complete one. Reminds me so much of JC. Ahh, bad times.

Is there such a thing as rehab for K-Pop site/ forum addicts? Because all I do is check for updates. It's so fun and satisfying, but it cannot be good for me. Or maybe a youtube.com addict, since all I do is watch Korean variety shows on it. This is the life. As a mother, I shall make my kids sit down and watch them with me on weekends, so they learn to become witty and entertaining smart students. Then I can just watch my kids make me laugh instead of watching television.

Utopia!~

Anyways, I am planning to do laundry at six in the morning tomorrow, when nobody's awake. Because I am certain I won't know how to use the washing machines here, and need time and space to figure them out for myself without embarassing myself. *Yawns* I'm feeling sleepy just thinking about that lol.

Tomorrow's breakfast is more instant noodles. And maybe a choc breakfast bar. I can't have cereal because I'm out of milk. And Milo. And Vitasoy. Hmm, I need to go shopping again, but I didn't receive any money this week.

Speaking of the dollar signs... Yay, Hari Raya's this Sunday! Of course, I like it not just for money, because I like it for food! Yum, eating when there's actually sunlight, in public, along with little pieces of confectionary and sweet drinks. It's called "Weight-Gain" month, even though for me, Ramadhan isn't even a "Weight-Loss" month. There's always just too much food at home. How does a food-lover say no? As long as I can make it up the stairs to my room, I'm fine.

So ends my no-mention-of-the centre-of-my-universe post. I'm all for silent protests (pictures next post), and slowly being persuaded towards the boycotts. Am I an extremist then?

fina

Well, just as my little feeling of hope was blooming, it got killed off. By more evidence of a forced departure cropping up.

I feel so tired from longing for too much.

I did read the past few posts, and it was amusing to see how emo I was. The feelings haven't changed, but now I can understand how other people must have viewed me. "So silly, getting so emotional over an idol?" "How old does she think she is, 13?" But what's the point of a blog if you can't write freely in it? Does it matter how immature or over-reacting I may seem, as long as I'm truthfully writing what I feel at each moment?

Have readings to do. Homework to complete, two by this week. As usual, there's not an inch of any inclination in my bones towards doing them, but I will have to. I arrived back at the hostel Sunday night just so I can concentrate on assignments all of Monday.

Yay Hari Raya's next Sunday, but I have midterms that week. Sucky or what? I don't feel like I've learned enough to be writing anything down for professors to read. I'm still in secondary school writing mode, not even JC.

fina*

p.s. pat and I made a youtube video to support Jaebeom. Can you find it? It's kinda embarassing haha.

I am feeling so hopeful now that Jaebeom's return to Korea may be possible. Finally feel like smiling again. Plus, a friend of his printed out letters that fans sent to his e-mail to pass to Jay, and Pat and I've sent our letters.

Now we just have to wait. I don't care how long.

A Dustland Fairytale

It's kinda hard to express my state of mind now, except that it feels like there's a huge weight on my heart and I feel so down all the time. It may be difficult for everyone else to understand the way I feel right now, because before this, I myself had never been a fanatic of anything. But 2PM has been the centre of my universe for some time now; watching and listening to them brings me happiness, such as I have never known before. And Jay leads 2PM in doing this. He is central to my happiness. He was mostly what made Korean variety shows and reality television shows worth watching - his fearlessly goofy personality shines through, and he makes me laugh and gush and swoon all at the same time.

I felt devastated when he suddenly quit, barely four days after the whole saga started. It was like I was flying, being with 2PM, and he suddenly took away the wings. But what's worse now is not that he's gone, it's the uncertainty of his return. I cannot imagine life without him, specifically because all I've been thinking about these past few months were 2PM and him. Of course I support him in whatever he does, should he decide that he doesn't want to continue with the heavily supervised and scrutinised, vicious world of the Korean entertainment industry. But it would be the heaviest blow of all, because life would then seem bleak.

I'm keeping faith that he will return after he's found his peace of mind, back with his family (I refuse to say "...and friends", because 2PM are his friends too). His last interview before leaving Korea gives me hope: “I will stay healthy in America. I will come back as a better person.” I'll be holding on to those words, and I will be waiting.

I may sound uncontrollably melo-dramatic, or corny, or exaggerated, but all I'm doing is typing down what I feel about this whole thing.

Strange isn't it? Just a week ago I was so happy and carefree. Now... I can't really say. I can easily try to be funny and smiley in front of people, but as soon as I'm out of view I feel weighed down again.

I've been doing what 2oneday forums is encouraging us to do - bombard JYP's twitter account with messages pleading for him not to let go of Jay, make a video message in support of Jay, sign a few petitions in support of Jay, etc. But my expectations on how these could help is slowly going down.

I guess no one but Jay himself can make the decision to come back. Even right now I think a number of Korean netizens still don't want him back. Jay left thinking that many people hate him, and as long as these people's perceptions don't change, how can he come back? Not knowing Korean, it's not like I can pull out evidence of Jay's growth to prove to them that Jay is worthy of forgiveness and of being 2PM's leader again. And even if I could, I doubt that the same irrational people who petitioned for him to commit suicide would read what I write with open hearts. It's like my hands have been cut off.

I don't know how useful the ongoing petitions will be now, but I hope when Jay feels ready to make a decision regarding a return to 2PM, he will be able to feel our support and love for him through all these little things. And I hope he decides to return.

I don't feel like going on in my fervour to get people to sign petitions now, after looking at the dullness of the situation, but I signed this petition yesterday, and if you want to sign it as well: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/jaebeom/signatures.html

In case you want to understand this whole issue which my heart explode in such a way, this blog makes the details pretty clear: http://not7but1.wordpress.com/

I doubt anyone will read this entire blog post, but it made my head feel clearer as I typed it out, even if it didn't make me feel better.

fina.

Who let you go?

Jay giving one last bow to everyone.

Fans trying to hold him back and stop him from getting on the plane.

Jay's left. So suddenly. I feel at such a loss right now because there's nothing I can do to turn back his decision. Unlike the fans in Korea, I couldn't go to the airport to try to stop him from leaving. Nor can I wait for him at the Seattle airport to give him support. I feel so helpless.

Pat and I found out the news while in lecture. We'd been refreshing AllKPop and Seoulbeats and Popseoul every few minutes to find out what was happening. And then the news came. And it was verified. We didn't want to believe it when Jay posted on the 2PM fancafe that he was leaving. But this blew our minds.

I just sat there in the middle of lecture, feeling like I'd lost a limb or an eye.

How is this different from other -Western- groups? Like when BSB left out Kevin?

For KPop, there's a lot more exposure of their stars, especially in the music industry. You see them on variety shows, on the music shows (like SBS Inkigayo, Mnet Countdown and KBS Music Bank), and in their own reality tv shows. So you see more of how they're like in real life (or as close to it as possible) - you see their personalities through the many funny, dorky, sad angry moments that they experience on such shows. And you fall in love with them. You feel like you know these individual stars, and you know how each group works with all the individuals.

Jaebeom - he's special. He's the leader of 2PM. He's the most uninhibited of all of them in acting dorky and making jokes, so you really feel the most closeness with him (even though it's through a TV or a computer screen). He cares so much for his 2PM members. He is unparalleled in his singing and especially his dancing. He has such a good heart. He anchors the group. He is their main focal point. He is their heart and soul. He belongs in 2PM. And people petitioning for him to commit suicide should kill themselves. Because if they don't, WE WILL KILL THEM.

I have to do something about this. I WILL do something about this.

fina*

Ethnocentrism. That's what Pat and I have decided to call the JayGate scandal (after Watergate).

Because the Koreans are making value judgments on things Jay did that differ from their cultural norms (such as speaking in an Afro-American slang and calling Korea "gay"), and therefore deem him to be worthy of deportation/ suicide (I swear, I'm not making this up). They call "traitors" those who voice support for Jay (who did admit his mistake and apologised), such as Wooyoung and Chansung, even when these poor boys aren't even condoning Jay's actions - all they did was say that 2PM are united.

Jay made a value judgment when he called Korea "gay", and saying (in not so many words) that he didn't like living there.

The Americans are making value judgments on the Koreans' reactions by saying that they are over-reacting and being overly nationalistic i.e. having too much pride in themselves and their country. They make value judgments on Jay by saying that he made a mistake in his youth and isolation, and that forgiveness is the way to go.

And I am making a value judgment when I say that I agree with the Americans that the Koreans are wrong. I don't care that I dislike the Koreans' reactions simply because they do not agree with the values that a more liberal Singapore (and global Internet) society has socialised me to believe are right. The Koreans may be polite in their use of honorifics and honoring the social hierarchy system of elders before youngsters, and politically correct in their actions and speech towards each other, but -damn!- are they so politically incorrect when it comes to other races/ ethnicities. I know of a few examples, but won't go into that because... well, because I need to finish my readings and have little time.

I have so many things to say to the Korean netizens who are telling Jay to go back to America and/ or kill himself. One such sentence starts with a "G", followed by an "o" and a "k", and ends with an "ill yourselves". Clear enough?

I am so bringing this up in HS 101 tomorrow when we talk about ethnocentrism!

oh yeah, sign this petition if you haven't already!

fina*

While trawling the comments on Seoulbeats.com and AllKPop.com, I found someone advertising a petition to save Park Jaebeom. He may have fallen down the ranks of "Fina's Guys to Marry" in recent months due to Wild Bunny episodes, but I still support him full-heartedly. Yes, he made a mistake FOUR years ago - he insulted Korea, called it gay, etc, etc (on his Myspace i.e. privately). But he has apologised for those comments. Plus, he called his friend "gay" in the same comments. So he wasn't exactly criticising Korea on its homosexual orientation (not that being gay is wrong or worthy of criticism...). At that point of time, he was a trainee, in a country whose customs and people were totally alien to him. So his actions, while not condoned, are understandable.

But for Korean netizens to sign a petition to send him back to US?! Like, WTF?? So even if you don't know or care whatever the shizz I'm talking about...

SIGN THE PETITION! I don't care if you don't care, as long as you sign. Please? Thank you.

http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/supportleaderjaypark/

I've been empowering myself today. With the help of mylifeisaverage.com, a self-help online magazine. Haha, not true. I did, however, help myself feel in power, and it's all thanks to that website. Remember me changing my cursors to bananas and dinosaurs, and Recycle Bin to Hell? Well, now I've saved a document as "the Universe, Fina". Why? Because when I close the tab, Word asks if I would like to save the changes to the Universe. Seriously made my day. Hmm, come to think of it, I should have saved it as "the Universe, Master Fina"...

Today has been an unbearably giggly day so far. Hasn't calmed down yet, haha.

fina

It's strange how easy it is for me to forget how to do something that I did for every week of JC. Write. And not in the usual childish, personal way that I usually employ in blog-writing (if you can call it that - it's more like Random Weekly). Would you believe that I have the easiest task of writing 100 - 120 words on Canteen B for HW 101 Craft of Writing? I did 110 words, but doubts have come a-plaguing. Because I have no idea how it's supposed to look like. Did she want a narrative? Descriptions? In the first person? From an objective POV? Should I just do a draft of each of these elements and pick whichever's appropriate for tomorrow? Is it silly that I'm worrying so much over an easy 100 words?

Which reminds me: I need to get a printer. And maybe a rice cooker. Laptop cooler too. Definitely salmon belly sashimi for next week. ... Courage too, perhaps?

Did I mention how random I am?

Dinosaur cursors = love.

Guess what I was doing during lecture today? Yes, surfing the web, but besides that. Checking mail? No. Chatting? No. I was changing all my cursors!

Haha you know, the arrow thing that you use to control everything on the computer. I changed the main one to a banana, which just keeps peeling itself and re-growing. My "highlight text" cursor is a blue walking dinosaur. My "page loading" cursor is a drum with two sticks beating it. And my "link" cursor is a piano keyboard with the keys moving. Cool or what?!

Now I just keep moving my cursors just for fun. Because I like to make my dinosaur moonwalk and all.

I even changed my Recycle Bin to "Hell" so I can send items to be deleted to hell. And my web browser (Google Chrome) was changed to Narnia. Because the Internet is MAGIC.

I'm not so creative to come with all these ideas on my own, though. There's this website called mylifeisaverage.com, where people post all the mundane things they've done. And these are just some examples. But they're really fun! And unlike the fmylife.com people, the people who comment on this website are really supportive. In fact, anyone who's negative is deemed to be just like an FMLifer. It's a whole new cult society that I'm observing. Societies with different shared values of what they deem acceptable. Wow, sociology in mundaneness.

I keep eating junk food while living here in hostel. Breakfast was cereal and mini brownies, but break-fast was long john's silver and two cream puffs. I'm guessing breakfast tomorrow will be instant noodles. Not really healthy, considering my stomach's penchant for making trouble.

Plus, all these people campaigning for positions in the Hall committee keep giving free sweets and chocolate and stuff. I'm not complaining, but if these keeps up, I'll end up with a Fina that can't even make the thousand steps to her hostel room. Haha.

By the way, I love Love LOVE the new blog song I just put in. I keep going to my blog just to listen to the song. It's totally epic love story shizz. If you'll listen carefully, words like a-reum-da-un, which means beautiful, sa-rang, which means love, and nae-ga-seu-mae, which means my heart, are repeated so many times. It's about his unforgettable childhood love who's lost to him, yet still lives hidden in his heart. Just... whoa. And you can hear the longing in the melody and tone of his voice. Needless to say this is my new favourite song. And favouritest ever of F.T. Island.

Okay, let's go!

Haha - it's an inside joke.

fina