right now i'm feeling depressed
my heart feels like it's being squeezed tightly
and my breathings a little laboured

i was just thinking about what i've done with my time since my long holiday commenced
have i come out of my shell?
met new people?
become braver?

or have i just stayed me?
boring old me
rotting away at home
while reading of others' exciting escapades into new worlds and experiences
envying others and regretting my decision to not attend first-three-months' orientation


i'm feeling really tired and old right now
and it's not due to the fact that it's nearly two in the morning

great oppurtunities come and go
and i'm too wimpy to seize them
carpe diem, they say
i ask them, tamen quam?
how do i seize the day?
when regrets plague me, and confidence just evades me
when old mistakes come into play
and my past becomes the obstacle between me and my goals
when realization, enlightenment, and thoughtfulness come to me only now
and even then, they're not enough

tamen quam?

dilemmas are common occurrences in life
people deal with it differently
some deal with it well, others just mess up their actions
i don't want to end up in the latter category
but how to make sure that what you're doing is the right thing?
how do we guarantee that our decision won't come back to haunt us in the deep recesses of the night?

you know what i think?
i think there is no guarantee
nothing to absolutely ensure that what we're doing is the best thing for us
play it safe your whole life, and you'll miss out on life itself
but take risks without consideration for consequences, and you might just die too young

thinking out problems requires analysation and reflection
and taking risks demands gumption paired with just a dose of recklessness
but wherefrom are these qualities found?

i realise there's no time to be shy, no time to be a wimp
if what you're seeking is a fulfilling life
i could be happy just living the simple life
just me, the sky, and my dreams
but dreams alone take you nowhere
at least, they don't in this reality

so what must i do to redeem myself in my own eyes?
steal off into another country and learn independence by surviving on my own?
a step too far, i would think
baby steps first, that's what i need
and someone to hold my hand


it's 2.25 in the morning now
i feel drained
and a little nauseous
or maybe it's just the medication i just took
for the volcano sized ulcer at the junction
where my last molars of my upper and lower jaws meet
i didn't treat it at all the first week i had it
thought that if i ignore it, the sharp, shooting pain will go away
my attitude towards most problems, i admit
and now the pain has spread to the nerves under my jaw, in my cheek, a little ways down my neck
i can't open my mouth, talk, chew, swallow pills, or wet my lips without experiencing pain
i should have confronted the problem as soon as i was faced with it
yet another of my regrets

so i guess this just goes to show
that i am a wimp when it comes to anything
even a simple ulcer

i know, i'm being over-dramatic about an ulcer
but it's just a small part of the big picture
just a simile of what life is like
and an example of what will happen if i trudge on through life
the way i'm doing now
just managing

urghh
it's 2.30
and i wanna lie my head down on the keyboard
and die

but not just yet.