It's kinda hard to express my state of mind now, except that it feels like there's a huge weight on my heart and I feel so down all the time. It may be difficult for everyone else to understand the way I feel right now, because before this, I myself had never been a fanatic of anything. But 2PM has been the centre of my universe for some time now; watching and listening to them brings me happiness, such as I have never known before. And Jay leads 2PM in doing this. He is central to my happiness. He was mostly what made Korean variety shows and reality television shows worth watching - his fearlessly goofy personality shines through, and he makes me laugh and gush and swoon all at the same time.
I felt devastated when he suddenly quit, barely four days after the whole saga started. It was like I was flying, being with 2PM, and he suddenly took away the wings. But what's worse now is not that he's gone, it's the uncertainty of his return. I cannot imagine life without him, specifically because all I've been thinking about these past few months were 2PM and him. Of course I support him in whatever he does, should he decide that he doesn't want to continue with the heavily supervised and scrutinised, vicious world of the Korean entertainment industry. But it would be the heaviest blow of all, because life would then seem bleak.
I'm keeping faith
that he will return after he's found his peace of mind, back with his family (I refuse to say "...and friends", because 2PM are his friends too). His last interview before leaving Korea gives me hope: “I will stay healthy in America. I will come back as a better person.” I'll be holding on to those words, and I will be waiting.
I may sound uncontrollably melo-dramatic, or corny, or exaggerated, but all I'm doing is typing down what I feel about this whole thing.
Strange isn't it? Just a week ago I was so happy and carefree. Now... I can't really say. I can easily try to be funny and smiley in front of people, but as soon as I'm out of view I feel weighed down again.
I've been doing what 2oneday forums is encouraging us to do - bombard JYP's twitter account with messages pleading for him not to let go of Jay, make a video message in support of Jay, sign a few petitions in support of Jay, etc. But my expectations on how these could help is slowly going down.
I guess no one but Jay himself can make the decision to come back. Even right now I think a number of Korean netizens still don't want him back. Jay left thinking that many people hate him, and as long as these people's perceptions don't change, how can he come back? Not knowing Korean, it's not like I can pull out evidence of Jay's growth to prove to them that Jay is worthy of forgiveness and of being 2PM's leader again. And even if I could, I doubt that the same irrational people who petitioned for him to commit suicide would read what I write with open hearts. It's like my hands have been cut off.
I don't know how useful the ongoing petitions will be now, but I hope when Jay feels ready to make a decision regarding a return to 2PM, he will be able to feel our support and love for him through all these little things. And I hope he decides to return.
I don't feel like going on in my fervour to get people to sign petitions now, after looking at the dullness of the situation, but I signed this petition yesterday, and if you want to sign it as well: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/jaebeom/signatures.html
In case you want to understand this whole issue which my heart explode in such a way, this blog makes the details pretty clear: http://not7but1.wordpress.com/
I doubt anyone will read this entire blog post, but it made my head feel clearer as I typed it out, even if it didn't make me feel better.
fina.
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